The Friendship Factor: How to Get Closer to the People You Care for by Alan Loy McGinnis -Excerpt

I read this book a couple of months ago. The title itself is so catchy that I decided to invest my first months of quarantine reading this book and dwelling on its messages. At the heart of each relationship, says McGinnis, is the friendship factor--the essential ingredient of warmth and caring. He included personal observations, experiences, researches, case histories and anecdotes about some famous people with a single motive of educating us on how to enrich our relationships not just with other people, but also with the environment, our self, and God.

It gave me new valuable insights on handling and cultivating relationships. Now, I want to pass some of my learning by attaching below a brief summary of my favorite chapter of the book and discussing them with you.

Five Ways to Deepen your Relationships

“Life is to be fortified by many friendships. To love, and be loved, is the greatest happiness of existence.”

"No man is an island." It is an old axiom which is still relevant in today's generation and the will remain relevant in the generations to come. With all the advances in the technology, we may think that we do not need other people. But until we open our gadgets, we realize that we are still connecting and even communicating with millions of people around us.

1. Assign top priority to your relationships.

“We take care of our health, we lay up money, we make our rooms tight, and our clothing sufficient; but who provides wisely that he shall not be wanting in the best property of all — friends?” Ralph Waldo Emerson

We may have it all - money, fame, things - but still, the grandest possession worth having in this world is only friendship. Working hard, saving money, travelling, and the likes only make sense if we put friendship and cultivating relationship as the reason and the main driver of these worldly deeds.

2. Cultivate transparency.

“No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you.” John 15:15

Communication only works within a group of people who have a common or shared knowledge. It is the same in deepening relationships. You cannot expect other people to be intimate with you without being transparent. Transparency is when you gained and built trust with one another that you are able to share things that you do not normally disclose with other people.

3. Dare to talk about your affection.

“The tragedy is that the love goes unrequited simply because it is undeclared.” Alan Loy McGinnis

Openness is an important factor in any relationship. Many relationships are damaged because no one dares to express their love for each other. Feelings remain unrequited just because we are afraid to say the language of love. The first step in giving and receiving love is by declaring it.

4. Learn the gestures of love.

“The minuscule act of kindness has great power because it demonstrates that you have not taken your beloved for granted. — Alan Loy McGinnis

Words without actions are just words. Declaring your love with another person means nothing unless you show it and make him/her feel it through your actions. The process does not stop the moment you said "I love you." It takes every minute of every day to prove that love.

5. Create space in your relationships.

“You never have exclusive rights to anyone, and you hobble your friend if you expect to be the only person who matters.” Alan Loy McGinnis

One thing about relationships that can be very daunting and overwhelming is the lack of space. Privacy and exclusivity are sometimes needed in order to grow individually. It does not mean neglecting one another, it is just one way of letting your partner discover more about himself/herself by allowing him/her be in another relationship outside of yours. After all, trust is one of the foundations of a strong and good relationship.